曖昧な場所

重读名著长久以来是我的计划一部分……最近读《呼啸山庄》还是很感动。我一直喜欢这本书胜过《简爱》，更认同希斯克利夫和凯瑟琳的爱情，他们的爱和恨都能深深打动我。在我看来，《简爱》更不现实，我无法认同那样的故事。 

读着凯瑟琳激烈的独白我依然泪流满面。她自始至终那么爱希斯克利夫，但是她对社会的妥协却毁了他们两个。她的病根就是小时候被亨德利强行分开他们两个造成的，后来希斯克利夫的出走让这个心病具体呈现在了肉体上（大病一场从此以后都不能生气），最后林敦不让希斯克利夫再与她见面，终于使这心病达到无药可救的状态，她病入膏肓、精神崩溃，她为爱疯了。 
即使在临终之际，她也对希斯克利夫自称是凯瑟琳•恩肖，她心中从未属于过画眉田庄，而是永远渴望着呼啸山庄、渴望着荒原、渴望着自由，她把画眉田庄当成牢笼，把丈夫林敦当成陌生人，而希斯克利夫，正如她自己所说，就在她的灵魂里，跟她永不分开。 

天生的野性和外界的规范冲撞在一起，整个灵魂都处在撕扯的状态，两股力量拼命角逐，每一秒钟都煎熬着精神……是的，现在的我太过理解这种痛苦。 

对希斯克利夫来说，凯瑟琳是他的天堂，也是将他打入地狱的人。而他无法不爱她，所以他甘受她的折磨，却不顾一切地要毁了除她之外的所有。他被毁了，他们的爱情被毁了，那其他的一切都该被毁灭。希斯克利夫疯狂的复仇心同样吸引我，因为他是个坚定不移的行动者，能将所想的都付诸实施。 


截取几个片段—— 

第九章 

我只是想说天堂不像是我的家，所以我哭得很伤心，闹着要回到尘世来，结果惹得天使们发了怒，把我扔出天堂，正落到了呼啸山庄高地上的荒原中心。然后，我就在那儿高兴得哭醒过来了。 

对我来说，嫁给埃德加•林敦，并不比去天堂更热衷。要是我家那个恶毒的人不把希斯克利夫贬得这么卑贱，我是决不会想到这么做的。现在，我要还是想嫁给希斯克利夫的话，那就是降低我的身份了。因此他永远不会知道，我是多么的爱他。我这么爱他，并不是因为他长得英俊，内莉，而是因为他比我自己更像我自己。不管我们的灵魂是什么材料造成的，他的和我的是完全一样的，而林敦的和我们就截然不同了，就像月光跟闪电，冰霜跟火焰。 

请问，是谁要把我们分开？他们会遭到迈洛的命运的报应！只要我还活着，艾伦，没人敢这么做的。世上的所有林敦全都可以不要，可我绝不会答应抛弃希斯克利夫。 

你有没有想过，我跟希斯克利夫结了婚，那我们除了去讨饭还能做些什么？相反要是我嫁给了林敦，我就可以帮助希斯克利夫重新站起来，我会帮助他摆脱我哥哥的逼迫和欺压。 

我说不清，可是你，以至世上的每一个人，可能都这样认为：除了你之外，还有，或者说应该还有，另一个你的存在。要是我整个儿全在这儿了，那把我创造出来有什么用呢？在这个世界上，我最大的悲苦就是希斯克利夫的悲苦，而且我从一开始，就全都觉察到、感受到了。我活着的最大动力就只有他。就算全世界一切都不存在了，只要有他，我就能继续活下去；而要是别的一切都留下来，只有他给毁灭了，那整个世界就成了一个陌生的世界，我就不再像是它的一部分了。我对林敦的爱，就像林中的树叶。我很明白，当冬天使树木发生变化时，时光也会使叶子发生变化。而我对希斯克利夫的爱，却像脚下恒久不变的岩石，虽然看起来它并不带给你什么欢乐，可却是那样的不可缺少。内莉，我就是希斯克利夫！他永远、永远在我的心中——他并不是作为一种乐趣，而是作为我自身存在我的心中。 

第十二章 

最奇怪的是，我过去整整七年的生活，竟变成了一片空白！我根本就想不起我是否经历过这段时光。当我还是一个孩子时，我父亲刚下葬，由于亨德利命令我再也不许和希斯克利夫在一起，我才开始有了悲伤。我第一次像是被遗弃了。 

可是，假如你替我设身处地想一想，我十二岁时就被迫离开呼啸山庄，离开了童年时的所有生活，以及当时我一切的一切——就像当年的希斯克利夫，而一下成了林敦太太，画眉田庄的主妇，一个陌生人的妻子，从此我被从我原来的小天地里放逐了出来，成了流浪者——那样你就可以理解，我沉溺进去的深渊是什么样子了！ 

第十五章 

你现在才让我明白，你是多么残酷啊——既残酷又虚伪！为什么你以前要看不起我？你为什么要欺骗自己的感情，凯茜？我不会给你一句安慰的话，这是你自作自受。是你自己害死了自己。是的，你可以吻我，可以哭泣，可以逼着我陪你掉眼泪，可是我的吻和眼泪会折磨你——它们要诅咒你。你曾经爱过我——那你有什么权利丢开我呢？你有什么权利——回答我——去勾引林敦让他成为我俩痛苦的源头呢？苦难、耻辱、死亡，以及上帝或撒旦所能施加的所有磨难，都不能把我们俩拆开，而你，你却心甘情愿地做出了这种事情。我并没有打碎你的心——是你打碎了自己的心。在打碎它的时候，同时也打碎了我的心。 

如果说我做下了错事，那我正在为这付出生命。这就够了！你也抛弃过我，可我不愿责怪你。我宽恕你，你也宽恕我吧！ 

第三十三章 

哈里顿的模样是我那不朽的爱情的写照，是我为了维护自身权利拼死拼活的写照，也是我的落魄，我的骄傲，我的幸福和我的痛苦的写照。 


Wuthering Heights 

CHAPTER IX

'This is nothing,' cried she: 'I was only going to say that heaven did not seem to be my home; and I broke my heart with weeping to come back to earth; and the angels were so angry that they flung me out into the middle of the heath on the top of Wuthering Heights; where I woke sobbing for joy. That will do to explain my secret, as well as the other. I've no more business to marry Edgar Linton than I have to be in heaven; and if the wicked man in there had not brought Heathcliff so low, I shouldn't have thought of it. It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire.'

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'I see no reason that he should not know, as well as you,' I returned; 'and if you are his choice, he'll be the most unfortunate creature that ever was born! As soon as you become Mrs. Linton, he loses friend, and love, and all! Have you considered how you'll bear the separation, and how he'll bear to be quite deserted in the world? Because, Miss Catherine - '

'He quite deserted! we separated!' she exclaimed, with an accent of indignation. 'Who is to separate us, pray? They'll meet the fate of Milo! Not as long as I live, Ellen: for no mortal creature. Every Linton on the face of the earth might melt into nothing before I could consent to forsake Heathcliff. Oh, that's not what I intend - that's not what I mean! I shouldn't be Mrs. Linton were such a price demanded! He'll be as much to me as he has been all his lifetime. Edgar must shake off his antipathy, and tolerate him, at least. He will, when he learns my true feelings towards him. Nelly, I see now you think me a selfish wretch; but did it never strike you that if Heathcliff and I married, we should be beggars? whereas, if I marry Linton I can aid Heathcliff to rise, and place him out of my brother's power.'

'With your husband's money, Miss Catherine?' I asked. 'You'll find him not so pliable as you calculate upon: and, though I'm hardly a judge, I think that's the worst motive you've given yet for being the wife of young Linton.'

'It is not,' retorted she; 'it is the best! The others were the satisfaction of my whims: and for Edgar's sake, too, to satisfy him. This is for the sake of one who comprehends in his person my feelings to Edgar and myself. I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of my creation, if I were entirely contained here? My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning: my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and HE remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it. - My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I AM Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being. So don't talk of our separation again: it is impracticable; and - '

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CHAPTER XII

I pondered, and worried myself to discover what it could be, and, most strangely, the whole last seven years of my life grew a blank! I did not recall that they had been at all. I was a child; my father was just buried, and my misery arose from the separation that Hindley had ordered between me and Heathcliff. I was laid alone, for the first time; and, rousing from a dismal doze after a night of weeping, I lifted my hand to push the panels aside: it struck the table-top! I swept it along the carpet, and then memory burst in: my late anguish was swallowed in a paroxysm of despair. I cannot say why I felt so wildly wretched: it must have been temporary derangement; for there is scarcely cause. But, supposing at twelve years old I had been wrenched from the Heights, and every early association, and my all in all, as Heathcliff was at that time, and been converted at a stroke into Mrs. Linton, the lady of Thrushcross Grange, and the wife of a stranger: an exile, and outcast, thenceforth, from what had been my world. You may fancy a glimpse of the abyss where I grovelled!

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CHAPTER XV

'I wish I could hold you,' she continued, bitterly, 'till we were both dead! I shouldn't care what you suffered. I care nothing for your sufferings. Why shouldn't you suffer? I do! Will you forget me? Will you be happy when I am in the earth? Will you say twenty years hence, "That's the grave of Catherine Earnshaw? I loved her long ago, and was wretched to lose her; but it is past. I've loved many others since: my children are dearer to me than she was; and, at death, I shall not rejoice that I are going to her: I shall be sorry that I must leave them!" Will you say so, Heathcliff?'

'Don't torture me till I'm as mad as yourself,' cried he, wrenching his head free, and grinding his teeth.

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'Are you possessed with a devil,' he pursued, savagely, 'to talk in that manner to me when you are dying? Do you reflect that all those words will be branded in my memory, and eating deeper eternally after you have left me? You know you lie to say I have killed you: and, Catherine, you know that I could as soon forget you as my existence! Is it not sufficient for your infernal selfishness, that while you are at peace I shall writhe in the torments of hell?'

'I shall not be at peace,' moaned Catherine, recalled to a sense of physical weakness by the violent, unequal throbbing of her heart, which beat visibly and audibly under this excess of agitation. She said nothing further till the paroxysm was over; then she continued, more kindly -

'I'm not wishing you greater torment than I have, Heathcliff. I only wish us never to be parted: and should a word of mine distress you hereafter, think I feel the same distress underground, and for my own sake, forgive me! Come here and kneel down again! You never harmed me in your life. Nay, if you nurse anger, that will be worse to remember than my harsh words! Won't you come here again? Do!'

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'Oh, you see, Nelly, he would not relent a moment to keep me out of the grave. THAT is how I'm loved! Well, never mind. That is not MY Heathcliff. I shall love mine yet; and take him with me: he's in my soul. And,' added she musingly, 'the thing that irks me most is this shattered prison, after all. I'm tired of being enclosed here. I'm wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there: not seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through the walls of an aching heart: but really with it, and in it. Nelly, you think you are better and more fortunate than I; in full health and strength: you are sorry for me - very soon that will be altered. I shall be sorry for YOU. I shall be incomparably beyond and above you all. I WONDER he won't be near me!' She went on to herself. 'I thought he wished it. Heathcliff, dear! you should not be sullen now. Do come to me, Heathcliff.'

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she put up her hand to clasp his neck, and bring her cheek to his as he held her; while he, in return, covering her with frantic caresses, said wildly -

'You teach me now how cruel you've been - cruel and false. WHY did you despise me? WHY did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort. You deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears: they'll blight you - they'll damn you. You loved me - then what RIGHT had you to leave me? What right - answer me - for the poor fancy you felt for Linton? Because misery and degradation, and death, and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, YOU, of your own will, did it. I have not broken your heart - YOU have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you - oh, God! would YOU like to live with your soul in the grave?'

'Let me alone. Let me alone,' sobbed Catherine. 'If I've done wrong, I'm dying for it. It is enough! You left me too: but I won't upbraid you! I forgive you. Forgive me!'

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CHAPTER XXIX

'I disturbed nobody, Nelly,' he replied; 'and I gave some ease to myself. I shall be a great deal more comfortable now; and you'll have a better chance of keeping me underground, when I get there. Disturbed her? No! she has disturbed me, night and day, through eighteen years - incessantly - remorselessly - till yesternight; and yesternight I was tranquil. I dreamt I was sleeping the last sleep by that sleeper, with my heart stopped and my cheek frozen against hers.'

'And if she had been dissolved into earth, or worse, what would you have dreamt of then?' I said.

'Of dissolving with her, and being more happy still!' he answered. 'Do you suppose I dread any change of that sort? I expected such a transformation on raising the lid - but I'm better pleased that it should not commence till I share it. Besides, unless I had received a distinct impression of her passionless features, that strange feeling would hardly have been removed. It began oddly. You know I was wild after she died; and eternally, from dawn to dawn, praying her to return to me her spirit! I have a strong faith in ghosts: I have a conviction that they can, and do, exist among us! The day she was buried, there came a fall of snow. In the evening I went to the churchyard. It blew bleak as winter - all round was solitary. I didn't fear that her fool of a husband would wander up the glen so late; and no one else had business to bring them there. Being alone, and conscious two yards of loose earth was the sole barrier between us, I said to myself - 'I'll have her in my arms again! If she be cold, I'll think it is this north wind that chills ME; and if she be motionless, it is sleep." I got a spade from the tool-house, and began to delve with all my might - it scraped the coffin; I fell to work with my hands; the wood commenced cracking about the screws; I was on the point of attaining my object, when it seemed that I heard a sigh from some one above, close at the edge of the grave, and bending down. "If I can only get this off," I muttered, "I wish they may shovel in the earth over us both!" and I wrenched at it more desperately still. There was another sigh, close at my ear. I appeared to feel the warm breath of it displacing the sleet-laden wind. I knew no living thing in flesh and blood was by; but, as certainly as you perceive the approach to some substantial body in the dark, though it cannot be discerned, so certainly I felt that Cathy was there: not under me, but on the earth. A sudden sense of relief flowed from my heart through every limb. I relinquished my labour of agony, and turned consoled at once: unspeakably consoled. Her presence was with me: it remained while I re-filled the grave, and led me home. You may laugh, if you will; but I was sure I should see her there. I was sure she was with me, and I could not help talking to her. Having reached the Heights, I rushed eagerly to the door. It was fastened; and, I remember, that accursed Earnshaw and my wife opposed my entrance. I remember stopping to kick the breath out of him, and then hurrying up-stairs, to my room and hers. I looked round impatiently - I felt her by me - I could ALMOST see her, and yet I COULD NOT! I ought to have sweat blood then, from the anguish of my yearning - from the fervour of my supplications to have but one glimpse! I had not one. She showed herself, as she often was in life, a devil to me! And, since then, sometimes more and sometimes less, I've been the sport of that intolerable torture! Infernal! keeping my nerves at such a stretch that, if they had not resembled catgut, they would long ago have relaxed to the feebleness of Linton's. When I sat in the house with Hareton, it seemed that on going out I should meet her; when I walked on the moors I should meet her coming in. When I went from home I hastened to return; she MUST be somewhere at the Heights, I was certain! And when I slept in her chamber - I was beaten out of that. I couldn't lie there; for the moment I closed my eyes, she was either outside the window, or sliding back the panels, or entering the room, or even resting her darling head on the same pillow as she did when a child; and I must open my lids to see. And so I opened and closed them a hundred times a night - to be always disappointed! It racked me! I've often groaned aloud, till that old rascal Joseph no doubt believed that my conscience was playing the fiend inside of me. Now, since I've seen her, I'm pacified - a little. It was a strange way of killing: not by inches, but by fractions of hairbreadths, to beguile me with the spectre of a hope through eighteen years!'